Monthly Archives: May 2010

P.S. The Time Traveler's Wife sucked

I watched The Time Traveler’s Wife recently. The book was better. I understand that translating 500 pages to the screen can be quite an undertaking, and that some things needed to be  eliminated entirely (Gomez’s thing for Clare, for one, thank GOD) but I see no reason why this film exists. It is bland, boring and bad.

1. There is little to no chemistry between the two leads. I’m supposed to believe that there is a magnetism between them, a pull. Henry shows up naked in the field behind her childhood home when she was six (ew) and so on until she’s in her late teens. They are MFEO, obvs.  So why is it that when he meets Clare for the first time (for him, of course) I just got this sense of…meh? She’s sorta excited to see him and she asks him on a date and Henry ‘s facial expression reads, “I’m pretty sure you’ll put out so okay.” And then after they sleep together he’s like “You’re my soulmate because I need a good reason to break up with my current girlfriend who is a total psycho.”

By the way, Rachel McAdams needs to STEP IT UP. I usually love her (Married Life was great, and The Notebook sucked but she did a wonderful job, The Family Stone was pretentious but she did a wonderful job, Mean Girls had Lindsay Lohan in it but she did a wonderful job) but the last couple of films that I’ve seen her in she’s completely phoned in her performance. As far as Eric Bana goes…I have no idea what he brought to this particular part except a bored expression. Maybe he was focusing too much on his American accent? Who knows.

2. Why even have Gomez and Charisse in the film? I guess to prove that Clare and Henry aren’t completely narcissistic assholes, but they’ve got like a handful of lines. Ron Livingston deserves better!

3. I get that a movie about time travel is going to skip around a lot. I’m fine with that. But the passage of time is too swift. 5 years go by in a flash. I need some kind of foundation to build on, I need a reason to care about these people, I don’t need to eagerly countdown to Henry’s death just to get some sense of oomph. I guess what bothered me the most was that it tried too hard to make things okay when things should’ve been dire.

Thinking about how books usually surpass their movie versions made me think of P.S.(minus I love you), one of the few films that I know of that surpasses the book. I did see the film first, but I don’t think that matters. I think I’d feel the same way if it had been reversed. The story is about a middle-aged woman who meets a guy half her age who is a helluva lot like her high school boyfriend (who of course broke her heart before dying young). Same name, same face, same passion (art). But here’s the main thing: F. Scott (Francis Scott, but let’s call him Fake Scott)  is a total douche in the book. The author dresses him up like a “gangbanger” complete with a shaved head and sagging pants, but he’s this total overly dramatic ape who says things like “I don’t want to be a victim of love.” and cries silently. Gross.

The movie kept the good parts (You’re gonna fuck it up Louise!”) and tossed the pretentious bullshit (“I don’t want to be a victim of love”) and for that I thank it. I loved Louise’s interaction with Fake Scott, it just felt true to life. He seems totally into her, but appropriately jarred by a new relationship (with an older woman, no less) and thus, acts kind of like a jerk sometimes. The scene where he and Louise are at the restaurant and he’s watching her eat, and they meet his friend and Fake Scott whispers in his friend’s ear and they laugh and you know Louise is like, WTF ARE YOU WHISPERING? I’ll take two please. In the book, I just couldn’t take him seriously. I couldn’t take Louise seriously. The characters seemed to talk in this odd,  otherworldly way which I guess makes sense given the subject matter but I’m good.  I’m good. I’ll just watch the movie repeatedly, thanks!

*walks off*

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Californication is worse than I remembered

I recently saw the movie City Island. I really enjoyed it, even if the loose ends were tied up a bit too neatly and not enough focus was spent on Ezra Miller, and too much was spent on Emily Mortimer (who I like but whose character I thought was kind of weird and random). But despite all that, it was a sweet, funny film. Ezra Miller intrigues me, so I perused his IMDB page and put the second season of Californication on my Netflix queue even though I had decided to quit after the first season because I hated it so much. It is truly a horrid show. I laughed occasionally but every. single. person. is a deplorable moron. I left Los Angeles, mkay? I have no interest in watching Hank Moody try his hardest to dodge the pussy constantly careening toward him. Everywhere he goes women are practically mounting him. 7/11s, car dealerships, hospitals. You know, where the action is.  He wants to be a good guy, but what can he do? Sleep with a 16 year old that just happens to be the daughter of his ex’s boyfriend? Accidentally give a girl head (it was dark, and he was confused)? And I might be Captain Obvious for saying this but: Fox Mulder > Hank Moody times 1000. So I skipped around, and watched a few Ezra scenes and my opinion hasn’t changed. HORRID. I read the wiki season recap and my suspicions were confirmed. There is no need for me to continue. It is still the worst.

There’s this scene where Hank’s daughter, Becca, is explaining her religion (every kid rebels at some point, but this kid? She worships Satan. ZOMG what a badass!) to a self-help guru and basically rips him a new asshole in the process. Like: “Listen to these facts about my religion, now listen to these facts about your book, THAT’S RIGHT I’VE READ IT OOOH DIDN’T KNOW KIDS COULD READ, DIDJA? Anywho, you’re a dummy and I’m a genius.” Something like that, I might be paraphrasing. Anyway, everyone at the table laughs and almost all of them give her a slow clap (after saying the words “that deserves a slow clap.”). Really?! It totally reminded me of Shane Botwin’s scenes on Weeds (also a show I cannot stand. First season was good though.) where he shows a grownup a thing or two about life, usually in front of his entire class. It totally irritated me. Enough with the enlightened youth who read a book and calls it life lessons! Completely laughable. AND I’ve been seeing a startling amount of asshole teenagers badmouthing (okay, asshole) adults/parents on television and maybe it’s the fact that I’m officially an adult now, and maybe it’s a cultural thing, but what the fuck? Not cool. Is it supposed to be “real life” or something? Get all these assholes off my TV!

Also something that there is too much of: the black baby gag. Nip/Tuck, Desperate Housewives, Californication. *waves to Me, Myself and Irene* Hey there. I’m sure there are more. Lady gets pregnant, drama ensues, then Lady (oh, did I mention she wasn’t black?) pops out a black baby and everyone’s jaw drops. Maury trots out and points to McWhitey and tells him he is not the father. It could be the ultimate cuckold, or the best moment of your life (Yes! No way I’m going to raise your black baby!) but whatever slant you give it, it’s just TIRED.

And I’m spent.

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Filed under Movies, Truly?, TV