Category Archives: Truly?

The Worst

I am so angry at this trailer right now.

So this girl falls in love with this guy but not for superficial reasons, the reasons are super deep and multi-layered. See, he’s a lacrosse player. *crickets* Oh, did she mention lacrosse is a Native American sport. *more crickets, maybe an eagle soaring overhead* What’s happening. Oh, Iraq. Now his father’s dead. Now he’s doing bad things with that crosse. Whoa what do you know, a Native American (Adam Beach, natch) is taking Klutz to the “6 nations workcamp” where I’m sure he’ll learn what it means to be a warrior? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

First of all, thank you Perez for so eloquently saying what we’re all thinking (“Twi-hards out there are going to love this!”). The only reason anyone would watch this piece of shit is because ZOMG look it’s Vamp #1 and #2 (I refuse to name their characters and let on how deep my knowledge of Twilight runs) and look there are Natives who may or may not be werewolves!!! In the TWILIGHT of their youth…THERE IS LITERALLY SMOKE COMING OUT OF MY NOSTRILS RIGHT NOW ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!!!.

Secondly, not only is there a Kellan Lutz in this movie (Klutz?! Really parents?!) but there’s also a CHORD OVERSTREET?

STOP.

Why Adam Beach?!!!

 

 

 

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Filed under Movies, Rant, Truly?

True Blood Season 2


NELSAN. ELLIS.

This. man. One of  the few reasons that I continue to watch True Blood. So effing hilarious. COERCE. Another? I’m kind of embarrassed to say: Sookie and Eric’s eventual hook-up. I’m a sucker (NO PUN  INTENDED! LOLLERSKATES) for emotionally unavailable guys finding themselves on the battlefield that is love. Just can’t get enough. Oh, he says he doesn’t care. But deep down? He totally does! He wants to be monogamous! With you! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Don’t look at me. Stop!

Anyway, I devoured the second season in about a week. The season started out with me thinking, “So DUMB!” and then halfway through I was taken in by the sweetness of Hoyt and Jessica, and the heart-wrenching Godric/Eric scenes (I CRIED!) and then by the last episode I was thinking, “Dude. Soooooo DUMB!” Why are people running around acting like they’re going to do stuff ? They’re so not going to do stuff! Tara, Jason, Andy, Sookie. I’m looking at YA’LL. Go sit down somewhere.

And then I ask myself, Why are you wasting your time on this subpar shit?

Oh, right.

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Filed under Truly?, TV

Californication is worse than I remembered

I recently saw the movie City Island. I really enjoyed it, even if the loose ends were tied up a bit too neatly and not enough focus was spent on Ezra Miller, and too much was spent on Emily Mortimer (who I like but whose character I thought was kind of weird and random). But despite all that, it was a sweet, funny film. Ezra Miller intrigues me, so I perused his IMDB page and put the second season of Californication on my Netflix queue even though I had decided to quit after the first season because I hated it so much. It is truly a horrid show. I laughed occasionally but every. single. person. is a deplorable moron. I left Los Angeles, mkay? I have no interest in watching Hank Moody try his hardest to dodge the pussy constantly careening toward him. Everywhere he goes women are practically mounting him. 7/11s, car dealerships, hospitals. You know, where the action is.  He wants to be a good guy, but what can he do? Sleep with a 16 year old that just happens to be the daughter of his ex’s boyfriend? Accidentally give a girl head (it was dark, and he was confused)? And I might be Captain Obvious for saying this but: Fox Mulder > Hank Moody times 1000. So I skipped around, and watched a few Ezra scenes and my opinion hasn’t changed. HORRID. I read the wiki season recap and my suspicions were confirmed. There is no need for me to continue. It is still the worst.

There’s this scene where Hank’s daughter, Becca, is explaining her religion (every kid rebels at some point, but this kid? She worships Satan. ZOMG what a badass!) to a self-help guru and basically rips him a new asshole in the process. Like: “Listen to these facts about my religion, now listen to these facts about your book, THAT’S RIGHT I’VE READ IT OOOH DIDN’T KNOW KIDS COULD READ, DIDJA? Anywho, you’re a dummy and I’m a genius.” Something like that, I might be paraphrasing. Anyway, everyone at the table laughs and almost all of them give her a slow clap (after saying the words “that deserves a slow clap.”). Really?! It totally reminded me of Shane Botwin’s scenes on Weeds (also a show I cannot stand. First season was good though.) where he shows a grownup a thing or two about life, usually in front of his entire class. It totally irritated me. Enough with the enlightened youth who read a book and calls it life lessons! Completely laughable. AND I’ve been seeing a startling amount of asshole teenagers badmouthing (okay, asshole) adults/parents on television and maybe it’s the fact that I’m officially an adult now, and maybe it’s a cultural thing, but what the fuck? Not cool. Is it supposed to be “real life” or something? Get all these assholes off my TV!

Also something that there is too much of: the black baby gag. Nip/Tuck, Desperate Housewives, Californication. *waves to Me, Myself and Irene* Hey there. I’m sure there are more. Lady gets pregnant, drama ensues, then Lady (oh, did I mention she wasn’t black?) pops out a black baby and everyone’s jaw drops. Maury trots out and points to McWhitey and tells him he is not the father. It could be the ultimate cuckold, or the best moment of your life (Yes! No way I’m going to raise your black baby!) but whatever slant you give it, it’s just TIRED.

And I’m spent.

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Filed under Movies, Truly?, TV

29

My birthday is tomorrow. We’re getting a sitter on Saturday so that we can eat a meal without pausing to take the salt and pepper shakers away from Z, or to shift Mad to the other knee. Maybe then we can enjoy the food we eat instead of shoving it mercilessly into our mouths and down our throats? Good times.  I will miss my little mad men though.

Speaking of which – Z is such a good little mimic, but now he’s also blurting out his own little sentences, mostly commands: Mama sit down on couch, Mama read to yoooooooouuuu, Mama come back. It’s so precious. He also sings! Actual lyrics! But just the catchy ones: he loves the lines “beating like a hammer” (Metric) and “tell me something, tell me something” (David Gray), and “Baby Baby don’t look back” (Fine Young Cannibals, but he says baby baby bo boo back). This is amazing. He must know it too, because whenever we try to capture it on film, he clams up. And Mad Miles – he is a twisting, sitting, scooting, grabbing fool! He is EVERYWHERE. He’ll be crawling any day now, I know it.

Bday presents – Andy got me guitar lessons. I had my first one on Tuesday! It’s slow going, but I am excited. 🙂

I got myself this dress:

LOVE

LOVE

Augh, I can’t wait to wear it. I think my Frye boots and tights would look good with it in the winter, not sure which shoes I should wear with it now. Maybe my black mary janes?  My cream peep toes?

I watched the preview for The Lovely Bones and for the most part it looks really good. But I have two issues with casting: Mark Wahlberg and Reece Ritchie. I don’t think Mark Wahlberg is a bad actor or anything, but now every time I hear him speak I see him talking to animals. Plus, his intonation is off : when he says, “Susie would never go off with a stranger, it had to be someone she knew” – it sounds…sing-songy. Stop it, Mark. Stop talking and just look pretty.

Reece Ritchie as Ray Singh? NO. First of all, when I read the book I envisioned a dark skinned Indian boy. Why? Gee, I don’t know: “he had an accent and was dark…”, “They were fueled by the guilt they read into Ray’s dark skin.”, but apparently dark = gently tanned. Silly me. And the “You are beautiful Susie Salmon” line comes across as creepy based on the fact that he is WELL INTO HIS TWENTIES AND LOOKS IT, and she is a baby faced 15 year old. I get that Ray has to age while Susie stays the same, but couldn’t they have hired a younger actor like they did in The Reader and stuck a bushy beard on him later?

I want this on a shirt:

Make Whoopi

Make Whoopi

The End.

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Filed under Crazy Life, Mad Miles, Truly?, Z the Mighty

All I wanted to do was go to the effing movies

Every time someone babysits my kids I kind of freak out a little. I can count the amount of times Andy and I have left the boys in the care of someone else (not counting daycare) on one hand because we’d rather miss out on date night than worry about one of them freaking out and me/us not being there to soothe him/them. Fun with pronouns! Anyway, when Zain was three months old, Andy’s parents were in town and had agreed to babysit while we went to Andy’s company party. I told my father-in-law to hold Z facing outwards if he got upset and he’d immediately calm down. That little tidbit of information, I explained, was really all he needed. Cut to two hours later when my fil calls us at the party, little Z screaming in the background.

“He’s been crying for an hour nonstop!” my fil said. “I really think something’s wrong with him.”

“TURN HIM AROUND.” Andy coached.

“Oh, hey, it’s working!” my fil yelled (he yells a lot). “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” ARGH. The evening was shot. I kept hearing Z cry in my head long after Andy hung up the phone. My baby was crying for an HOUR?! Poor little guy. We left the party. Did we overreact? Sure. But we were new parents! You know how it is.

So now every time someone babysits for us, I immediately plan for the worst. “If Zain completely flips out you can try A, B, and C…” I basically freak the babysitter the fuck out before the night’s even begun. You know, start the night off on the right foot and all that. Just trying to do my part. Of course, wouldn’t you know it, Z and Mad were perfect angels. I like to think it was the 2 mile walk that I forced us all to take beforehand that left Z tuckered out and complaisant.

So Andy and I made our way to the theatre sweaty and anxious. Our first roadblock, literally, was that the 405-S was closed that day. We kind of knew this, but we hoped that roadwork had finished the day before and decided to take a chance. Which is probably not the best course of action when you’ve only got ten minutes to spare. YEP. We doubled back the way we came and took the super annoying detour route to our destination. I checked my watch. We were going to miss the previews. Meh. I could live with that, since I watch them all on apple.com anyway. We park.  We figure that since it’s Sunday, we don’t have to pay for a parking sticker. NOPE. As of July 31st or somesuch nonsense, the city of Portland decided to bend us all over and … you get the idea. But HUH? We have to pay for parking on Sundays now? WHAT?! Way to suck Portland. So we go to the machine to buy said sticker. It is broken. We go across the street. It too is broken. We go a block over. The sad song continues, until we finally manage to track down a working machine what felt like ten minutes later. Then we book it to the theatre. THE MOVIE HAD ALREADY STARTED. This irritated me to no end. But I moved on and laughed and cringed and laughed some more.

Got back to the car and guess what? A lovely yellow envelope lay beneath our windshield wipers. Every car on the car sported one, their owners having decided that a broken machine meant they got a free pass. NOPE. And when we pulled the ticket from the envelope? We noticed that we weren’t even ticketed for going over our time limit. One of our tags had fallen off. So basically, Mr/s Douchebag  had to have a full set. Can’t have one car without a ticket!

So many shades of lame!

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Filed under Good times, Portland, Rant, Truly?

When I grow up

I want to be a mechanic like Megan Fox in Transformers.

That's totes how you look under the hood of a car

That's totes how you look under the hood of a car

No one will really care that I don’t actually know how to fix anything as long as I do stuff like this:

All work and no play, that's me

I love getting my hands dirty

Yeeeeeeeeeeeah.

In “Revenge,” you flee evil Decepticons for just about the entire movie. At least your male co-stars hauled butt in comfy sneakers — you were in heels!
Megan: Stilettos — and for the last part of the film, motorcycle boots. I had major shinsplints and threw out my back a couple times. Beyond that, Michael likes everyone freakishly tan, so we were painted maroon, like in the old Westerns when they hired Caucasians to play Native Americans. I had on fake eyelashes, running through the desert with sand stuck in them, and I’m sweating off all the makeup. It looked like we were making a tragedy.

For serious???!!! Is that supposed to be a funny anecdote? Because it sounds like a nightmare. But this is just accepted as part of the “Michael Bay experience”. Haha, you know how Bay is! Good times… Argh! I thought she looked dirty in the first film. WTF? So many, many shades of lame.

Here’s an interview with Gabrielle Union re: Bad Boys 2:

UGO:: In that one scene with your wire on that tiny dress – how did that work?

GU: You know, that wire also functioned as my mic for the scene, so it had to work, and we had to make that work. It was very tricky, I will say. Where the pack was…was not the most comfortable of places. You can use your imagination on that one.

UGO:: How are you able to wear those heels?

Gabrielle UnionGU: The Jimmy Choos? They had to go. They cut out this scene where once they save me at the mansion, I have to sprint down the steps, sprint outside, we are running through the thing, jumping into the lagoon, and I am dipping in the grass. They are like, “OK, you look ridiculous.” We had to add this little shot where you see me throwing off my shoes to make it a little more believable, because I was falling down the steps. I was just watching behind-the-scenes footage of the day that we blew up the house, and I’m running down the steps, and you see me falling the whole way down. I don’t know how they cut that together but I was falling the whole way down the steps. It was terrible. Jimmy Choos are made to prance in, not do action movies.

YA THINK???!!!

I hate you Michael Bay.

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Filed under Movies, Nice try, though, Rant, Truly?

What's in a name?

This book sucks

This book sucks

Z is obsessed with the alphabet. OBSESSED. He knows at least half of the letters so far (if not more), genius that he is. And you can’t read a book to him without him either cutting you off and insisting that you tell him exactly what EVERYTHING is (even things that I can’t really define….what is that? A thingamajig? Ummm…that’s a shadow.) or incessantly repeating a word until you echo it, even though you thought you’d already moved on. He will not move on unless he’s damn good and ready, and with each utterance of the word his pronunciation gets even more adorable.

“Apple! A-pple! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaapple! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPLE!”

“Yes! Apple. That’s good sweetie. Okay, B is for bus…”

He’s having a hard time with Q since it looks like an O, but I could have sworn I heard something resembling a Q today. YES! I’m thinking of buying some alphabet cards to put on the wall in his room, he’ll love that.

He’s also getting better about calling animals by their names and not simply calling anything and everything a dog. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves: most things are still dogs. Everything in a Dr. Seuss book is probably a dog, since there literally is the lack of a better word. Or it might be a bird. He likes birds. One day when we were on a walk around the neighborhood (FINALLY got a double stroller – I love it!) We had to stop and stare for about five minutes at a crow collecting twigs and stuff for it’s nest while Z screeched “Birrrrd. BIIIIIRD.” The thing finally flew away and Z kept twisting around to look for it so I said, “Bye bye birdie.” to signal that it was time to move on. Now every time he sees a bird he says, “Buh-bye. Buh-bye birdie. Buh-bye.” Precious? Indubitably.

Watch me segue:

Speaking of proper names, I would never have thought Madrox would be so darn hard for everyone to pronounce. Really people? This was an honest to God exchange between me and my step-mil:

MIL: So it’s….Mad Rocks?

Me: Ma-drox.

MIL: Mad Rocks?

Me: Madrox.

MIL: Mad Rocks?

Me: *sigh* Just call him Mad.

FIL: *barks out a laugh* Mad?! Really! Mad? That’s CRAZY TALK.

Um. Yeeeeeeah. I hope he never has a friend named Richard.

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Filed under Funny haha, Good times, Mad Miles, Truly?, Z the Mighty