Monthly Archives: May 2007

A Guide to Recognizing a (Raw and Real!) Coming of Age Drama

There’s 1 part loss of innocence: usually involves stupidity and violence. In this case, I’d call it collective brain failure. No one in this movie makes any damn sense. They’ve all got this twisted idea of allegiance to family over all else, even when your father beats you to a bloody pulp or just plain refuses to hear you when you’re calling out for help. Saving yourself is not an option. If you do, you’re a rat… a schmuck… a coward.

1 part first love: I couldn’t get over the conversation between Dito (Shia LaBeouf) and Laurie (Melonie Diaz) that pretty much went like this:

Dito: I mean, I think…you know…you’re beautiful and shit.
Laurie: Thank you.
Laurie: Do you wanna kiss me?
Dito doesn’t answer, and Laurie looks soulfully into his eyes.

Laurie: Do you wanna kiss me?
Dito: I mean, you know…I just wanna fuck you.
Laurie: Oh, really. Man, you’re really buggin’.
Dito: I mean…I just…I wanna fuck you.
Laurie: Yeah? Well, I wanna fuck you too. I do!
They rest their foreheads together.

…the fuck? I especially loved it when Dito tells Laurie to “shut the fuck up and get out of my house” and manages to leave a bruise on her arm while he’s carting her out of there.

Say it with me: AWWWWWW.

1 part colorful characters/locals: People walking around asking if someone’s “rock or disco”, commenting on the weather, dissecting the flavor of New York…yadda yadda yadda. Everyone is looking ragged. Scrapes and bruises are the fashion. No sentence is complete without the word fuck. Keep in mind, most of the screenplay is random chatter. Cuz that’s how people talk in real life. Recognize.

Oh and don’t forget a splash of unnecessary death, it makes it nice and raw.

I couldn’t understand some of the casting. Rosario Dawson, Robert Downey Jr and Eric Roberts are playing people that grew up together, even though Robert is about fifteen years older than Rosario and Eric is nine years older that Robert, not to mention twenty three years older than Rosario. And it shows. Eric Roberts is only in one scene, though so… I guess it doesn’t affect things too much.

And can I mention the fact that Eric Roberts, king of B movies, is popping up EVERYWHERE?? First he’s in music videos, then The L Word and Heroes…I really won’t be surprised if I turn on Girlfriends next season and he’s hanging out with the girls.

So that’s A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. Thought it would be good, ended up being one of the most pretentious pieces of shit I’ve ever seen.


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When I saw the preview for the absolutely vile Fantastic Four sequel shivers ran down my spine, and not just because they made a sequel to a movie that pretty much reeked. I mean, check out Jessica Alba in her get up. Is she a stepford wife? A mannequin? This isn’t for real is it guys?

Right. This is what happens when the pursuit of whiteness takes precedence over…gee, I don’t know…looking like a normal flesh and blood person.


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Because I just might lose it

I remember thinking about the attention I would get for being pregnant and looking forward to it. Oh, people would fall all over my belly and declare me a goddess! Now I’m to the point where I just want to get IT OVER WITH. This pregnancy is dragging on forever. I have a coworker who labels herself a “walking uterus” because she says her pregnancy is the only thing anyone ever wants to talk about (and she isn’t even showing yet) and I pretty much feel that way as well. Some days it’s nice and I smile and nod, some days I just don’t want to talk. It’s mostly when it’s random strangers, like when I’m in line to order food and I want to eat and questions like “Will the baby like those salty chips you’re getting?” make me want to kill someone. And to answer her question: Indubitably, lady. Indubitably.

And now every time I get annoyed someone will say something snarky like “Gee, are you pregnant?” Nah, you’re just being really irritating! Take the shame!

I wanted to spend some time on Hot Fuzz and how genius it was, especially since I wasn’t expecting much. But I loved it. It was one of the best movie experiences that I’ve had in…well, a long time. Andy and I laughed throughout the entire movie. And yes, Shaun of the Dead is on my Netflix queue thankyouverymuch. But what’s not to love? Knocking out old people, witty one liners (hearing Simon Pegg quote Martin Lawrence’s line “Shit just got real” from Bad Boys 2 almost made me piss myself) and of course, the gore. The gore. It was so over the top and unexpected. It was off the fucking chain!!! (hee)

Can I compare the brilliance of Hot Fuzz to the dull sparkle of Spiderman 3? Sure. Except there really aren’t any words, that’s how badly Spiderman sucked. Can I describe my glee when Andy actually yelled at the screen “Oh come on!”? It was “wicked cool” as a kid actually said in the movie to describe Spiderman. Wicked cool? This schlocky cheesefest (oh wait, I did have the words!) gets downright unreal: there is a scene where Peter is in a jazz club (where MJ works as a singer/waitress), he’s wearing the alien suit and he can suddenly play the piano and dance like some smooth (albeit creepy)Lothario. He also starts talking like he’s a reject from the Chicago musical…I could’ve sworn he was saying words like “And now, let’s bring it home…” Watch Anchorman and he was pretty much doing the same thing as Will Ferrell, except SERIOUSLY. I googled it to see if I could find any verbatim lines and someone made the same comparison!!! He even does some scary Saturday Night Fever moves in front of a clothing store (he just had to go buy a new suit to go with that new attitude!) in BROAD DAYLIGHT.

Moral of the story: Hot Fuzz good. Spiderman 3 bad.


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