Monthly Archives: February 2009

Stephen Sondheim FTW

After renting Sweeney Todd through Netflix, I let it sit on the counter in the living room for at least a week, not quite ready for the blood and gore. Because meat pie = vomittt. I watched a movie once where SIR Anthony Hopkins fed plain ole Jessica Lange her sons that were cooked into a meat pie. And it was so red and bright and gushy as she was digging into it, not realizing that she was the only one really digging it, because doi.  *covers mouth* 

Titus! That’s it! That movie was kind of awesome, though. So anyway, my sister Bethany and I were chatting one night and she mentioned Sweeney Todd and the amazing score, encouraging me to watch it if only for that. I decided to buck up and do so. I mean, I love 28 Days Later, and that movie is all kinds of gross. I can take a little blood and cannibalism! And let me tell you, if I wasn’t aware that Stephen Sondheim was god before, I am now. I feeeeel you Stephen, I feel you. And I’ll steal you, too.

*sidenote* Tim Burton seems to have a thing for pale blond girl-women who are hideous but are supposedly breathtaking. Is it a gothic thing? The whole story balances on the supposed beauty of this broad:



for which nothing would’ve even gone down if she wasn’t so damn BEAUTIFUL. There was a barber and his wife, see…and she was BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful that some judge sees her and absolutely needs to be with her, husband be damned! He throws some random charge at Benjamin (Barker, the innocent barber) who gets sent off to prison for fifteen years and returns as Sweeney (Todd, the demon barber). In those fifteen years, the judge tried sending flowers, and when that didn’t work, he raped Lucy (the BEAUTIFUL wife) in front of loads of people at a costume party. And. no one. stopped. him. Know why? Because there’s a hole in the world like a great black pit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it, and its morals aren’t worth what a pin can spit, and it goes by the name of London. So Lucy takes a bunch of arsenic and the judge takes her daughter. OOkay. o_O And the daughter? Johanna? She’s also BEAUTIFUL. She mesmerizes a lad at mere sight with the power of her “beauty”.



If you ask me, why go after the judge? It’s these Barker women who should be stopped! Driving men knackers, the shame!  So Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett (Helena Bonham Carter, who is my absolute favorite crazy person-actress), go to town on the people of London, he for love of his wife, she for love of him. There’s a lot of singing and slitting of throats, the end. 

You know what was BEAUTIFUL? Sweeney’s razors. They’re shiny! He calls them his friends. And sings to them. That’s the real love story here, if you ask me.


Filed under Movie Review

Circus Circus

Step right up ladies and gents! Prepare to feast your eyes on the WALKING UTERUS!



Walking Uterus exists solely to spice up your boring ass lives! You can ask it questions, but only if they are annoying and repetitive! Here are some examples: Getting Close huh? You look ready to pop! How ARE you? But really how ARE you?

*lightbulb* Hmmm…this pregnancy thing could prove quite lucrative!


Filed under Preggerville, Rant, Truly?

Give me one reason to stay here.

*raises hand* New house, good jobs, stability?? Right. Portland it is. At least for the next 4-5 years.

A word of assvice: whatever you do, do NOT move to Portland and then complain about…anything having to do with Portland. People will act like you just ran over their dog. I don’t get it. It’s pretty, yes. There’s a lot of green…stuff and there’s…bridges! There’s a cool music scene, too. I think, though, that I would be way more jazzed about Portland if I loved any of the above: rain, snow, biking, hiking, jogging, beer, dogs (they’re okay, depending on the breed), paying to put said dog in “daycare”, eating extremely expensive organic foods, wearing tevas/clogs, etc.

So, Portlanders, contrary to popular belief you are NOT Joseph Stalin and this is not Elizabethan England, I demand my right to complain! Heh. I kid, but not really. I mean, you can’t whine about the rain without a dozen people telling you how much they looove it, and they can’t get enough of it! Bully for you, okay? And a lot of these people hate California but have never really been there. Like, they drove through it. ONCE. But they hate it, because…why? It’s sunny and clear and there are excessive amounts of attractive people? I’m confused (I think Portlanders equate L.A. with California, btw), but I can honestly say I don’t care one way or another!

What really chaps my hide is the way that Portlanders pat themselves on the back so frequently for doing things that either I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT or that should already be done in the first place, like recycling and eating healthy. Or staying in your own lane if you’re a cyclist. And they fancy themselves as being so liberal but the ignorance I’ve encountered here is staggering. I can’t begin to count the amount of people that I’ve met here who don’t know how to simply speak to someone of a different race or background without falling all over themselves in stupidity. People who call the Lloyd Center “ghetto” but can’t explain why exactly when pressed. Maybe it’s because that’s the mall where all the black people congregate? And they’re afraid to go see a movie there because they don’t want to get shot. PLEASE. I’ve mentioned that people have confused me with the one other black woman that worked in my office, right? A woman who looked NOTHING LIKE ME. Or how I worked for a man who couldn’t wait to tell me about the black girl that he had sex with in high school? Or the black girl that he walked in on his son having sex with? Or how if my opinions differed from the only other black employee’s, he would say, “Steve doesn’t feel that way…” Or the girl who asked me if it was okay that she listened to rap music since she wasn’t a “gang-banger”? And these are the same people who act shocked to hear me say that this city is too white bread and that I cannot see myself settling down here for good. YA THINK? o_O

Before you get your panties in a bunch: Look, idiots are everywhere. I’m not claiming Portland has any more or any less. This is a big city and I have hardly met everyone in it…blah blah blah. What I am saying is that Portland needs a healthy sprinkling of color all up and through this place. ALL UP AND THROUGH.

1 Comment

Filed under Portland, Rant, Shit just got real, Truly?


This is AWESOME.


Filed under Funny haha

Petunia Pickle Bottom and more



I want this diaper bag! Is it worth a hundred and fifty bucks, though? That’s the eternal question.

I just bought these tights:

Not me

Not me

and they feel delicious. 100% cotton so I don’t have to scratch my legs through the fabric! Hooray. I also bought these:

Again, not me

Again, not me

which look lovely but feel a little weird in the rear even though they promise that “Double-seamed rear allows for lots of stretch”.  Lying liars! Either I have an ass as big as Texas, or…wait.  *looks around*

And I saw these shoes on some random fashion blog, wanted them intensely, and found them for only $29 bucks (Amazon)!


 I can’t wait to wear them.

I can’t stop thinking about all the things I want: for the baby, for myself, for the house. I can’t wait until everything is in the right place, just the way I Andy and I want it.


Filed under Baby, Shopping

Going Mad

Two of my coworkers/friends, Kerrie and Jen, threw me a baby sprinkle this last Friday. They reserved a conference room after hours and set up a lovely arrangement of food and drink and even a diapercake! The diapercake was delicious.



We played games, I opened gifts, and Z and Andy made an appearance towards the end. It was a lot of fun. 🙂

Everyone put in a bid for Madrox’s (yes, that’s his name! :P) birthdate, most of them within this month. I have a feeling I’ll give birth in February, but who knows? I might be late this time (*screams*). I’m really ready to meet Mad and to get my old body back. Lugging around this extra 35-40 pounds is really wearing on me. And I’m tired all of the time because I can’t get any sleep at night: I have to pee every 2 seconds, which means I get up several times a night to carefully walk down the stairs to the bathroom. It’s a wonder I haven’t broken my neck.

Hello stranger

Hello stranger

These last weeks are going to be an eternity!

I’m trying to put them to good use by looking for suitable childcare for the boys and organizing the house a bit. I never had this nesting instinct kick in with Zain, but I’m making up for it now! 🙂 The annoying thing is that I can’t buy everything that I want to for the house, so I’ll just have to be patient, which is…impossible right now. I am ANXIOUS. o_O


Filed under Baby, Preggerville, Rant, Shit just got real

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.

35 weeks

35 weeks

Buuuut I’m mostly fat since the baby is about 5 pounds now and I’m 35 pounds heavier. HUZZAH!

So apparently I can’t take good pictures anymore…but you get the idea. Just pay attention to my large belly and the fact that my 20 month old can take cover beneath it. THIRTY FIVE WEEKS. It’s so close. So close! I could weep with relief. Because, um, it’s now become a chore to walk and get up from a seated position. I’m on my last legs people.

I’ve been sick this past week with a cold and have subjected several people to my curiously stretchy snot while blowing my nose. Except I can’t really blow it because my nose has been stuffed up so I have to do that gross thing where I shove tissue into the leaky nostril. It’s pretty sick and I apologize to all who have had to witness it (Andy, Kerrie,etc).

Back to uncomfortable pregnancies: It’s hard enough having one fetus crammed up in mah belleh,  I’m trying to imagine having EIGHT. Jeebus CHRIST. Human beings are not meant to have fucking litters. Stop. the. insanity.

I have to pee.


Filed under Preggerville, Shit just got real, Truly?