Or, Addison practices playing with her privates.

I’ll explain. Now, I’m going to try to put my thoughts into words instead of trying to spell out the grunting noises and exasperated dance moves I make every time I watch anything Shonda Rhimes creates.

This week’s (actually a couple of weeks ago now, as it took me forever to post this) episode of Private Practice was about many things, but most importantly: female masturbation. Because masturbation isn’t just about feeling good. It’s empowering, and every woman’s right. It’s also cutting edge. Who said women aren’t doin’ it for themselves? You heard wrong. Get with it people, it’s 2007. (And let me be clear when I say…hey, do what you need to do. But quit with the patting yourself on the back ’til the cows come home.)

So Addison wakes up every morning for a couple of days straight rather forcefully, her sex dreams (involving Pete, a.k.a Tim Daly a.k.a Wings guy) are so intense that she literally rolls right out of bed in the morning. (Haha. Let’s call him Spicy Wings.) So yeah. It really made her roll out of bed? Really? Can we not go overboard here? And gee, what else is typical of a Shondaland production? Repetition. Non sequiturs, or rather, simple phrases that dress up like non sequiturs to make conversation quirkier and deeper at the same time! For example: Tom and Dick might be talking about their childhood memories of their fathers when all of sudden Harry states simply: “Mustard.” Of course Tom and Dick have no idea what Harry is talking about until Harry completes his thought a second or two later. Harry’s dad used to take him to baseball games all the time as a kid. Hot dogs were a given at these games, and Harry’s dad was a pro at opening several mustard packets (at one time!) with his teeth. Every time Harry sees a mustard packet, he thinks of those good old days. So why didn’t Harry just say all that to begin with? See, Harry just wanted them to first get the essence of what he wanted to say first. He couldn’t have articulated what exactly he meant, because that’s boring. Cool people, quirky people who imagine their lives are being taped, usually talk in circles around each other.

So Addison needs to scratch the itch. When Violet and Naomi find out that she doesn’t masturbate, they try to champion the cause. Which leads to …you guessed it…an uncomfortable situation where a man walks in and hears the three women talk about sex. AWKWARD! Of course, Spicy Wings ends up finding out about the fantasies and the two have this scene at the end of the episode where you think it might end up being in one of their heads…but it ain’t a dream! It’s real life. REAL LIFE. And it’s supposed to be funny/sexy but ends up being really clunky and dorky, the opposite of slick and sexy. Pete has an injured hand from punching some guy in the face and Addison asks to look at it. This interaction gives her the push she needed to scratch her itch. She gets turned on by the fact that Spicy Wings hit someone like “a cowboy, a-a gladiator”. Spicy Wings agrees. He is a cowboy! A gladiator! Spicy Wings the cowboy! Spicy Wings the gladiator! Addison forgoes the opportunity to get it on with Spicy Wings the cowboy, Spicy Wings the gladiator to get it on with herself (vis a vis a very expensive showerhead) and she tells him this. She basically says, “Whoa. Would you look at the time. I have to go home and play with myself.” If a guy said that to a girl, you better believe a drink would materialize to be thrown in his face. So you’ve noticed that Spicy Wings’ now a cowboy and a gladiator, right? See how I repeated myself to the nth power? Well, imagine Shonda harnessing that power (“A person should have a whole life.” “I dropped the ball.” “Seriously?” ENOUGH ALREADY!.). Addison needs to keep repeating this …mantra (?) to herself before doing the deed. “Cowboy. Gladiator. Scratch the itch.” she intones before breathing deep and looking like she’s LITERALLY about to actually plunge into something. No, seriously. She looks ready to smash through a wall or something. Def. not sexy.

P.S. I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly like the itch analogy. Also not sexy. Makes me feel like buying ointment.



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6 responses to “A.P.P.W.H.P.

  1. Bethany Morrow

    First of all, hilarious. Second of all, predictable cliche and repetitive. Plus you know what’s gonna happen cuz it’s what always happens and it usually happens more than once. In other words, been there done that said that three times. To summarize: Coupling. Oh you don’t get it? What I meant is that after Friends was canceled, a show based on the British version of Friends was made to replace it and the premiere episode was about how all the girls were taking turns going to the salon because one of them had discovered that the shampoo boy could give hair-gasms. And of course the dialogue that ensued was trite.

  2. Jen

    Wow. The first episode was really spent on THAT? So lame! Why waste time writing something original when you can just rip off what’s been done before? Lazy asses.

  3. Mmmm hair-gasms.
    Tuna salad.

    Yeah, tuna salad.
    You see, when I was a child, people would say vaginas smelled like tuna. And therefore, somehow, tuna salad was pervy funny.
    So whenever I think of tuna salad now I think about all those poor children who were molested, and in turn molested others.

    It’s a sad world.

  4. Bethany Morrow

    HAH! We should start a writing company and churn out primetime scripts. We’ve clearly got the recipe down. And that tuna bit had me rolling on the ground. I shan’t say in what. But you’ll be happy to know that bladder infection cleared right up.

  5. meg

    seriously!?! and gross, cause ointment is exactly what I was thinking.

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